Dear Client Servicing Executive,
This is your client speaking. Do not worry. This is not a stinker. Nor is this yet another reminder for the revised copy for that offer ad.
I generally wanted to write to you. We might talk fifteen times everyday. But I don’t really count my pithy one-line threats, thinly disguised as feedback, as conversation. Let’s set the record straight. I know I give you stress. For instance, I don’t give you proper briefs, do I? But that’s only because I want to keep it vague so that I can blame the agency for not being aligned later. Please do not misunderstand me. I also blame you guys from time to time for my screw-ups, my boss’ shenanigans and inter-departmental politics that we have here. Surely that’s not new? My changes are not really that anal all the time – but sometimes I just need to give you something as feedback! Just so you guys don’t get too confident about our account.
Allow me to give you a little clarity. I will not change. I am not programmed to. I live in a world where I get paid a lot of money but I have no real authority. I am just like you. But I have less fun. And I am terribly afraid of losing my job. I am forever looking for a better opportunity. Till such time I do, I will always pass on my stress on to you. I have no one else to shout at. And you are my easiest target.
But enough about me. Let's talk about you. Because I am feeling very generous right now. And would like to explore any possibility of you improving your lot.
You are the unsung hero. And that’s what draws me to you so much. Perhaps that is why I irritate you all the time. You only treat the person you love like scum, they say. Or something like that. You get the drift. I don’t know how to make you a better, happier person. At this point, I close my eyes and think hard. I see myself getting a raise at the end of a successful campaign. I see the creative guys calling up their other creative friends and crowing over their latest earth-shattering headline. I see planners writing smug, case studies that are results of a very hard working retro-fit from the creative idea. I see drunk agency heads bragging about it like schoolboys comparing private parts, to other agency heads at terrace parties.
But I do not see any light at the end of the proverbial tunnel for you.
You sigh heavily as the last artwork is dispatched. And get home yawning to take your first shower in four days. The moment you are back at work, brushed, scrubbed and somewhat presentable, you find an email from me. Cc: boss. You open. Read. And you marvel at my memory. With amazing clarity I have recorded each time you screwed up during the operation. I will be generous at first. Then quickly move onto patronizing. Then a tad headmasterly. Then bitchy. And finally threatening. I might also write a two-line email to your superiors about how we should learn from our mistakes for next season’s campaign. I will also never once mention that I am an idiot.
As we speak, your planner is meeting my colleagues and making a rehashed presentation of the same one he made a few weeks back. With more graphs. The marketing consultants will walk in and effortlessly use a lot of research to tear apart your agency’s efforts tomorrow. And if the grapevine is to be believed, our respective CEOs had a piss up last night discussing chicks they want to do.
So, in essence, your job is cut out really. Send me the revised copy for the offer ad asap. I need it in the next five minutes or the ad will be dropped and you guys will have to do a make good. While you are at it, try some other layout options. These are not that spunky.
Thanks for understanding,
Trilokjit Sengupta is the CD and one of the founder members of METAL Communications. He has spent almost ten years in advertising and thinks it is enough.